"SBW and Loving It!"
As the author of this blog...Afrolistas and The City, we as women love to go out, love to shop, lead interesting and diverse lives and I'm sure we also like to love our significant others along the way especially if we're involved in a relationship. The argument about successful black women not finding and keeping successful black men to share their lives with is growing thin on me. This time journalist Farai Chideya chimed in with her take on the conversation on Essence's website. I wrote this response on Essence and then decided to bring the conversation here.
I'm sure by now almost every single black woman in America from the age of 25 to 60 years old watched the latest installment of the "Woe Is Me In America" series otherwise known as the Nightline Special Report about the dilemma of the successful single black woman?
To me love is where you find it and in all honesty it's all about how the two of you feel about yourselves and about each other. I see too many women who make more money than their mates and are simply defined by it. What happens when he leaves you? You're left with your success and nothing else looking desperately for the next man. Validation doesn't come from external forces, it comes you! No one can validate you, but you!
Women don't have to settle for the man who wants to mooch off of them, the abuser, the alcoholic, the man-child, the drug addict, the criminal, the drug dealer, the dreamer (this one is okay just as long as he puts at least one of those dreams into action) the psycho, the narcissist, the non-committed or someone else's man. Loving these types of men requires hard work and some serious therapy sessions after you've come undone.
So what's a 'Sistah Girl' to do? Stop living? Wait on the Prince to show up in his Range Rover (my next car) and whisk you off to Suburbia or the good life? If you can do these things for yourselves why wait on someone else to fulfill your desires? If you can't do these thing yourselves, then you're setting yourself up for failure in life by waiting on an individual to do it for you. It doesn't matter how you look or how you wear your hair if the man is interested in you he'll let you know.
I don't feel it's a problem because I've never defined my life by whether if I was in a relationship or not. I'm a divorcee and in all honesty I'm not looking because I've decided that I just can't tolerate the games anymore. I'm going to enjoy my life and do the things that I want to do just as long as I'm living. I don't need to wait on a man to start living and thinking he'll make everything all right for me.
Okay, now that you've got the education, the degree and maybe the financial success that comes with them(if you're not saddled with debt)but have yet to have a successful relationship? Does that mean you're going to stop living until you do? Does that make you feel that you're not valued? First and foremost before you can have any successful relationship you've got to have an honest one with yourselves.
Have any of you ever thought that the "potential" Mr. Big just may be out of your league? Just because many of you haven't found the educated and highly successful "Brotha" doesn't mean your less attractive, smart or talented enough to snare him, it just means that they're not there and neither are they interested in seeking a relationship with you. Face it ladies, many of these men are just as picky as many of you are when it comes to relationships.
Think about it: What does 'Mr. Big Man' mean to you? Even if you have the success that tells you that you qualify for the top tier man, have any of you ever thought that you're living beyond your comfort level, financially and otherwise to meet these type of men? If so, then we'll continue to have this conversation.
Thinking that the Most eligible bachelor on every other woman's long list will determine your "net worth" is relationship sabotage to the tenth degree. Instead seek out "A Man" who shares your goals, strengths and common interest. I'll bet there are many men who many of you have passed by have been wondering when you would finally notice them. Here's a little wisdom given to me by a few women much older than me: There's someone for everyone.
For once will all of you stop believing in this tragic fairy tale about love? This is not a good look! And you just might find the one. Stop buying in to the fear and scarcity tactics promoted by the American media and don't be ruled by that fear because we're not the only ones having a hard time finding men who are interested in long term relationships. The show was entertaining as in an hours time they failed to come to the whys, the solutions and the benefits of marriage! As far as our communities go, we've really got serious work that needs to addressed. Okay! I'm done. Now on to better things in life.